I'm learning so much about myself right now....so much more than I ever knew. To quote one of my favorite movies "Ogre's are a lot like onions, they have many layers...". Well, Shrek, so are humans!
I'm still struggling with my mind's view of food. I am positive that I don't have a healthy view point of what food means to me. Until last week I abused food pretty much every single time I ate. My mind is changing with every single bite I take. Even this past weekend when I know I didn't eat well, I was absolutely aware of it, it was not mindless eating any longer. This is the first time in my ENTIRE life that this has occurred. Every single time I've tried to lose weight before, I went off track and didn't care what my mind thought about what I was piling into my mouth. This emotion...this new decision to care about what I eat, is so new.
Another thing that has come to my attention is that I am finally beginning to be able to count on myself. In my life, my friends and family know that they can count on me, if I make a commitment to someone I will see it through, but for the longest time I couldn't count on myself. I would make a promise "tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to get healthy this year"....and the promise would be broken within 24 hours, every single time. So I had this pattern of letting myself down over and over again, which in turn chips away at my self confidence, it was literally making me believe that I couldn't do this. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel like I can count on me now.
I know that having any amount of weight to lose is a battle, but nobody on earth knows how it feels to know that you need to lose an enormous amount of weight. 100+ pounds is a big number and it is the number I stare at every single day. I know I don't need to get wrapped up in that number, but it is difficult....it is way beyond 30, 40 or 50 pounds. The amazing thing is that it is entirely doable.....but it honestly sort of pisses me off when I hear someone say, "geez, just do it, just make up your mind to do it and stop talking about it so much"....nobody has ever said this to me personally, but I'm sure some people in my life have had this thought. They have no idea. Ignorance will always stand between someone facing a huge struggle and someone who can't respect that it REALLY is a struggle.
When the journey ahead of you is to do something that few people do successfully (lose 100+ pounds for life) having support is so important. Having the support of my own mind is the most important. I promise I'm not making this more dramatic than it has to be, it is a dramatic process. That is probably one reason why it has taken me SO long to decide to do this for real. I hate drama....but at the moment, I'm having to embrace it and just go.
It feels SO good to know I can count on me. It feels SO good to know that even though I will mess up sometimes, I will get back on track and move forward towards my goal.
From this point on, I'm no longer ok with being fat...not because I want to look cute in summer clothes (ok, maybe that is some of the reason), but becuase I want to be the person that I was created to be and I know for sure that person isn't 100 pounds overweight. The fact remains that I love me and I'm doing this for me first!
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