Life. Something we live every single day. People say it is hard....or good....or beautiful, but what do we do when life throws a curve ball? An unexpected jolt that lands you in a place that looks like a spiritual desert. Usually, you would turn to those people in your life that lift you up, those people who speak God's promises to you.....the ones that have ALWAYS been there.
What if that life jolt has made that person, your "go to" up-lifter, silent? Literally silent. A twist in the plot that nobody expected.
With my mom's current situation, I think that is my hardest struggle. She is silent. She was once so loud. Not necessarily volume loud, but in my life, faithfully speaking, she was so loud. Almost every conversation we had was about our faith. The beauty of it....the majesty of it. Then, abruptly, totally silent....a mumble here and there, but the conversations are gone, for now.
So....I found myself squirming. This doesn't feel normal. This isn't natural. It looks as though as me and my "person" are switching positions. Am I ready? Am I ready to speak uplifting words in a situation that on so many levels looks wretched?
In the last (almost) five months I have learned a lot about me. I am strong. I may have a tender heart, but that heart has a core of steel. One rooted in the most beautiful promises. Everyone copes with life differently, but I have learned that my go-to spot is one of peace. I can't live in crisis mode and live effectively.....worry literally makes me feel dirty...it is just true....my hope and worry can't live in the same space. So, worry might make an appearance, but it doesn't stay for long. The hope I have shines brighter than any worry I have ever encountered.
My best tools, my first aid kit for life, are the promises that God has given me through the one that is now silent. Along with my dad, she is the one that has loved me the longest. They have prayed for me without fail for 35 years. It is my turn to lift them up. Remind them of the One that loves them so much.
What a journey. One that will leave my family changed forever. There is true beauty in embracing the assignment and peacefully allowing God to do His work. Peacefully. Peace. Never, ever, lose it, because if you have lost peace......you have truly lost. A victorious outcome is what is on the horizon. What that looks like, I have no idea....but I know it will be triumphant. God's peace and love always win. Always.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
How To Lose Yourself.
Calm down, first of all. This isn't a post about how I have lost ground and am in a downward spiral. It is actually the exact opposite.
Also, if you read this blog you will soon find out that most of my posts are almost always about my walk with God. It is who I am. It is who I was created to be.....and for me, I need to tell people about it.
In this life things happen. Good things.....the most amazing things. Experiences that bring so much joy, even in the day-to-day. Celebrate those things. Thank God for them, they are from Him.
In this life, bad things also happen. Experiences that bring heartache. Experiences that bring turmoil. Celebrate those things. Thank God for them. They are shaping you into the person you were meant to be.
When you can celebrate and thank God in all things, truly, you have lost yourself. I am learning that this is not at all what the world would have you believe. The world we live in, the things we see on tv or the internet would have you believe that everything you need is in you. You have all you need to be all you can be. It is a lie and this lie has huge circumstances. That is a bold statement. Believe it or not, but the truth will always prevail.
When you are truly tested, when you are faced with life, death, hurt, deception, betrayal, etc......do any of you honestly believe you alone posses what you need to conquer it? It is a deep question. One that I know people struggle with. We are told when we were young "you can do anything you set your mind to"...."work hard and it will be yours".....this stuff is false and is grounded in a belief that our human minds and hearts are capable of anything, just us, no other factor.....just the human factor.
The human factor is flawed. I am a lover of humans, I really am, but more than that, I am a lover of the One who created us. I love humans because we are all so flawed....we are in this together. No matter your faith, race, etc....I love you. I don't see people through a filter of what they "do". I see people through the filter of who made them. Everyone has this choice.....to see people as their brother/sister. A choice I made sometime in my 20's.....I have no idea when it really happened. All I know is that we all struggle and I have made struggles without faith and I have made struggles with faith. It is blatantly obvious where my heart is, but I also realize not everyone is with me. Do I want to change the world? Yes. Do I think I can do it alone? No. I know that loving one human at a time is all I can do. It is what God has put on my heart. He doesn't want me to change the world, I don't think (if He does, I think I am ready, but there is a lot of equipping that needs to happen first...I guess....or maybe I am already equipped in Him). I believe He wants me to love people how He loves them. No matter what. If you have ever questioned whether or not you are loved, you don't have to question it any longer. Not because I say so. I have no power. God says so. You are loved. No matter your circumstance, no matter how far you think you are from Him, no.matter.what.
You have to let that sink in. The world will tell you what you are doing is "right" or what you are doing is "wrong". The world is not your heart's compass. Your creator is your compass, He will never lead you astray.
Peace and perfection do not go hand in hand. I am not perfect, but I am peaceful. Allow yourself that gift....to be peaceful and know you are loved.
Also, if you read this blog you will soon find out that most of my posts are almost always about my walk with God. It is who I am. It is who I was created to be.....and for me, I need to tell people about it.
In this life things happen. Good things.....the most amazing things. Experiences that bring so much joy, even in the day-to-day. Celebrate those things. Thank God for them, they are from Him.
In this life, bad things also happen. Experiences that bring heartache. Experiences that bring turmoil. Celebrate those things. Thank God for them. They are shaping you into the person you were meant to be.
When you can celebrate and thank God in all things, truly, you have lost yourself. I am learning that this is not at all what the world would have you believe. The world we live in, the things we see on tv or the internet would have you believe that everything you need is in you. You have all you need to be all you can be. It is a lie and this lie has huge circumstances. That is a bold statement. Believe it or not, but the truth will always prevail.
When you are truly tested, when you are faced with life, death, hurt, deception, betrayal, etc......do any of you honestly believe you alone posses what you need to conquer it? It is a deep question. One that I know people struggle with. We are told when we were young "you can do anything you set your mind to"...."work hard and it will be yours".....this stuff is false and is grounded in a belief that our human minds and hearts are capable of anything, just us, no other factor.....just the human factor.
The human factor is flawed. I am a lover of humans, I really am, but more than that, I am a lover of the One who created us. I love humans because we are all so flawed....we are in this together. No matter your faith, race, etc....I love you. I don't see people through a filter of what they "do". I see people through the filter of who made them. Everyone has this choice.....to see people as their brother/sister. A choice I made sometime in my 20's.....I have no idea when it really happened. All I know is that we all struggle and I have made struggles without faith and I have made struggles with faith. It is blatantly obvious where my heart is, but I also realize not everyone is with me. Do I want to change the world? Yes. Do I think I can do it alone? No. I know that loving one human at a time is all I can do. It is what God has put on my heart. He doesn't want me to change the world, I don't think (if He does, I think I am ready, but there is a lot of equipping that needs to happen first...I guess....or maybe I am already equipped in Him). I believe He wants me to love people how He loves them. No matter what. If you have ever questioned whether or not you are loved, you don't have to question it any longer. Not because I say so. I have no power. God says so. You are loved. No matter your circumstance, no matter how far you think you are from Him, no.matter.what.
You have to let that sink in. The world will tell you what you are doing is "right" or what you are doing is "wrong". The world is not your heart's compass. Your creator is your compass, He will never lead you astray.
Peace and perfection do not go hand in hand. I am not perfect, but I am peaceful. Allow yourself that gift....to be peaceful and know you are loved.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
How Much Can The Heart Really Take?
This one is deep....but let's be honest, we knew I was going to go there.
As it turns out, the heart is made to take more than our human brains can comprehend. You know the Bible verse "...lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5? It happens to be true. Just like every verse before it and every verse after it.
There are certain moments in life that really put this truth right in front of you. Not just something you recite, but something you live. After all, isn't that what someone who professes to believe in God is supposed to do....live by these truths?
Several times over the last 4+ months since my mom was diagnosed with a ridiculously large brain tumor, this truth is the one that held me together. When your world is completely interrupted, completely turned upside down....what will your response be? I wish my response from day 1 would've been "I know this is your journey for my mom, God, your Will, your Way.....You have the best for her in store". Honestly, it wasn't. It is now and spiritually I am changed. I'll never be the same. Neither will she. Just yesterday she just told me, "I have no fear". This woman.....who had a tumor the size of a huge fist in her head removed, survived cardiac arrest and a raging infection in her brain told me, the girl that was still in tact, there is nothing to fear. This woman, who is still not home, since April 2nd she has been in some sort of hospital. Now she is in a facility that has a range of patients. From those that will live there forever to those, like her, that are there for rehabilitation purposes. When I think of how my life has changed, I quickly remind myself of her and my dad. She lives a simple existence now.....completely void of every single daily activity that she has known for her entire life. My dad, living alone for the first time in 50 years, waiting on his bride to come home. My struggles are nothing. Well, they are something to me and my little family, but in the grand scheme, I'm not the one actually fighting this battle.
That is where the truth lies. God has the ability to turn something completely wretched into something of complete beauty. There comes a point, during the crisis, that you have to realize that you, the human, can only do so much. Your job in the crisis isn't to fix things, the battle is being fought by the One that loves you more than you can comprehend. You either believe that or you don't. There is no in between. Your reaction to that truth will determine how you weather the storm. You can choose to receive the Peace that is so readily available or you can completely crumble because your efforts seem to fail at every turn. Believe me, your efforts will eventually fail. I quickly learned that the only thing I could do for my mom and dad was to pray for them and walk with them. This "walking alongside people in life" is a really big deal. If you love someone and they are struggling, your presence and prayer is of more worth than you can imagine....it is of eternal magnitude. I honestly believe that God has equipped my mom, dad, sisters and every person in our immediate family with every single thing we need to make it through whatever is put in front of us. There is so much power in that. In that truth there is no room for worry about the happenings of today.
My relationship with God is complex, at best. It is the sweetest thing in my world. Sometimes it is like I hear Him saying "what do you have to worry about, you loon?!".....the Sovereign Creator of the Universe probably wouldn't use those words, but the brain He gave me is one that puts everything in a situation where humor and sarcasm are tools. I'm almost sure He is funny.
What is your point, you may be asking? Never lose your peace. Even when your world seems to be in turmoil. Don't deny yourself that free gift. It is simply one prayer away. One simple acceptance. You don't have anything to lose by accepting God's peace, but you have everything to gain....this works against everything that your human mind will tell you is right. That is when you know you are on the right path, when what the world tells you just doesn't seem comfortable.
As it turns out, the heart is made to take more than our human brains can comprehend. You know the Bible verse "...lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5? It happens to be true. Just like every verse before it and every verse after it.
There are certain moments in life that really put this truth right in front of you. Not just something you recite, but something you live. After all, isn't that what someone who professes to believe in God is supposed to do....live by these truths?
Several times over the last 4+ months since my mom was diagnosed with a ridiculously large brain tumor, this truth is the one that held me together. When your world is completely interrupted, completely turned upside down....what will your response be? I wish my response from day 1 would've been "I know this is your journey for my mom, God, your Will, your Way.....You have the best for her in store". Honestly, it wasn't. It is now and spiritually I am changed. I'll never be the same. Neither will she. Just yesterday she just told me, "I have no fear". This woman.....who had a tumor the size of a huge fist in her head removed, survived cardiac arrest and a raging infection in her brain told me, the girl that was still in tact, there is nothing to fear. This woman, who is still not home, since April 2nd she has been in some sort of hospital. Now she is in a facility that has a range of patients. From those that will live there forever to those, like her, that are there for rehabilitation purposes. When I think of how my life has changed, I quickly remind myself of her and my dad. She lives a simple existence now.....completely void of every single daily activity that she has known for her entire life. My dad, living alone for the first time in 50 years, waiting on his bride to come home. My struggles are nothing. Well, they are something to me and my little family, but in the grand scheme, I'm not the one actually fighting this battle.
That is where the truth lies. God has the ability to turn something completely wretched into something of complete beauty. There comes a point, during the crisis, that you have to realize that you, the human, can only do so much. Your job in the crisis isn't to fix things, the battle is being fought by the One that loves you more than you can comprehend. You either believe that or you don't. There is no in between. Your reaction to that truth will determine how you weather the storm. You can choose to receive the Peace that is so readily available or you can completely crumble because your efforts seem to fail at every turn. Believe me, your efforts will eventually fail. I quickly learned that the only thing I could do for my mom and dad was to pray for them and walk with them. This "walking alongside people in life" is a really big deal. If you love someone and they are struggling, your presence and prayer is of more worth than you can imagine....it is of eternal magnitude. I honestly believe that God has equipped my mom, dad, sisters and every person in our immediate family with every single thing we need to make it through whatever is put in front of us. There is so much power in that. In that truth there is no room for worry about the happenings of today.
My relationship with God is complex, at best. It is the sweetest thing in my world. Sometimes it is like I hear Him saying "what do you have to worry about, you loon?!".....the Sovereign Creator of the Universe probably wouldn't use those words, but the brain He gave me is one that puts everything in a situation where humor and sarcasm are tools. I'm almost sure He is funny.
What is your point, you may be asking? Never lose your peace. Even when your world seems to be in turmoil. Don't deny yourself that free gift. It is simply one prayer away. One simple acceptance. You don't have anything to lose by accepting God's peace, but you have everything to gain....this works against everything that your human mind will tell you is right. That is when you know you are on the right path, when what the world tells you just doesn't seem comfortable.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
You Gotta Start Somewhere.
Many people may not know this about me, but I want to be a writer. Not just someone who writes sweet notes in Hallmark cards for a friends birthday, or writes a great English paper....a real writer. I want to write a book. I want to have my words published. My husband and I have even joked about me writing a comic strip and him illustrating it. You might not know this about him, but he really is a talented artist. I even have two comic strip ideas swirling in my head right at this moment...it isn't doing much good in there. So, my point...I have always heard "if you really want to be a writer, just start writing....every single day....write something". Oh yeah, and read more books. That has never been my strong suit either, but that is changing. So, that is what I am going to do. Whether here on this blog or on paper....I am going to write (and read more books, I swear).
Until I get better or shall I say, more interesting material, I will probably write about myself...my family...my friends...just life. It has the potential to be less riveting than a Stephen King novel, but bear with me. It will get better with time...I hope.
My grandfather, J.C. Jinks, was a published writer and amazing artist. You won't find his work online, he wrote WAY before the internet was around. He wrote several short stories, which happen to be my favorite. Papaw passed away in 1996, I was 17 years old. I honestly feel the spark in my heart to write was flamed by my time with him. Great memories. I wish I would've been mature enough to really talk to him about his writing and get advice from one of the smartest men I have ever known. It's cool that I will see him in Heaven, I can't wait.
There is also the ironic issue that even though I love writing, I am no English scholar. I like to use these things (.....) all throughout my writing. A real editor would rip me apart. I am 100% positive that I abuse the comma and semicolon's give me nightmares. In every English class I have ever taken, I loved, seriously loved, writing papers....but would have a small panic attack if asked to conjugate a verb or explain subject-verb agreement. So, yeah, I have some room to grow in this dream of becoming a published writer. All I know is that it will happen in some capacity....how that will happen is really not my concern, it's God's, I just have to write.
So, here I am, writing.
My first inclination is to write about current happenings. With that, I have a lot to write about. I can't get it all out in one blog. I have to save some for tomorrow. Although, getting it all out in one blog is totally my style. I can get wordy. That is actually something about myself that is changing. I have learned in my 35 years...there are only a few people in your every day life that can handle the details. This isn't a bad thing, it is just the way some people are. There are some people who truly don't have the capacity to hear the details. Finding people that can walk with you in daily life is rare. I am not sure what that trait is called, that ability or "want" to walk through stuff with people. Whatever it is, I have it. And when I have a friend or family member who shows me that kind of attention and care, I am in awe of them and I want to do the same. I love to communicate. LOVE to talk to people and hear what other people have to say. I honestly have a true love for humans, even though I find them so odd. All the different personalities. It is fascinating, really.
What I know for sure is that we can't walk through life alone. It is too hard. Life is so beautiful, but sometimes it is intense....actually, a lot of the time it is intense. Faith, family and friends are the only way through. I feel like I am growing up spiritually, even though I am 35 years old. I am trying to find "my people". My circle of people to walk through life with. I know some will come and go out of that circle, but that core group that will stay with you forever. Cultivating that is such a sweet exchange. Love people. Just love.
My grandfather, J.C. Jinks, was a published writer and amazing artist. You won't find his work online, he wrote WAY before the internet was around. He wrote several short stories, which happen to be my favorite. Papaw passed away in 1996, I was 17 years old. I honestly feel the spark in my heart to write was flamed by my time with him. Great memories. I wish I would've been mature enough to really talk to him about his writing and get advice from one of the smartest men I have ever known. It's cool that I will see him in Heaven, I can't wait.
There is also the ironic issue that even though I love writing, I am no English scholar. I like to use these things (.....) all throughout my writing. A real editor would rip me apart. I am 100% positive that I abuse the comma and semicolon's give me nightmares. In every English class I have ever taken, I loved, seriously loved, writing papers....but would have a small panic attack if asked to conjugate a verb or explain subject-verb agreement. So, yeah, I have some room to grow in this dream of becoming a published writer. All I know is that it will happen in some capacity....how that will happen is really not my concern, it's God's, I just have to write.
So, here I am, writing.
My first inclination is to write about current happenings. With that, I have a lot to write about. I can't get it all out in one blog. I have to save some for tomorrow. Although, getting it all out in one blog is totally my style. I can get wordy. That is actually something about myself that is changing. I have learned in my 35 years...there are only a few people in your every day life that can handle the details. This isn't a bad thing, it is just the way some people are. There are some people who truly don't have the capacity to hear the details. Finding people that can walk with you in daily life is rare. I am not sure what that trait is called, that ability or "want" to walk through stuff with people. Whatever it is, I have it. And when I have a friend or family member who shows me that kind of attention and care, I am in awe of them and I want to do the same. I love to communicate. LOVE to talk to people and hear what other people have to say. I honestly have a true love for humans, even though I find them so odd. All the different personalities. It is fascinating, really.
What I know for sure is that we can't walk through life alone. It is too hard. Life is so beautiful, but sometimes it is intense....actually, a lot of the time it is intense. Faith, family and friends are the only way through. I feel like I am growing up spiritually, even though I am 35 years old. I am trying to find "my people". My circle of people to walk through life with. I know some will come and go out of that circle, but that core group that will stay with you forever. Cultivating that is such a sweet exchange. Love people. Just love.
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