This blog is very therapeutic for me...it is almost like a diary that is unlocked and open for the entire world to read. I feel like the things that cross my mind each day about food and weight need to be announced...people need to know a couple of things:
1. if you are also trying to lose weight, you aren't alone...
2. if you have unrealistic goals you will become disappointed and your progress could suffer
3. you aren't crazy...I have those same thoughts...unless we are both crazy, but who care's if that is the case...it is not crazy to dream about swimming in a sea of cheese dip with a tortilla chip as your raft, not crazy at all...
4. there are many things that nobody ever tells you about losing weight...same thing with giving birth...snow skiing for the first time and getting married...
I just want to be honest. There are some days where I feel like I could conquer the world...no temptation is too much for me...even if a sweet man wearing a sombrero tried to make me eat a steak quesadilla I would have the energy to toss him aside and chomp on some celery.
Today is not one of those days.
In my mind I've already skipped out on doing Zumba tonight and ordered Chinese food for dinner...I know it sounds crazy, but I can almost taste the imaginary beef and broccoli. The even more wacko part is that my actions have been all good today...ate a good low calorie breakfast, had an awesome homemade salad for lunch (made by my Valentine, I could start a whole new blog about how blessed I am to have him)...I have an entire office full of candy at my disposal (thanks to Valentine's Day) and have only wasted 80 calories on a mini twix. My diet is going strong today.....it is my mind that is unbelievably off track, again.
Three weeks ago today this diet, change in attitude, life change, healthy eating thing...whatever you want to call it, started. As of last Thursday I was down 12 pounds. I gained 3 more of those pounds back from Thursday to Monday. You are probably thinking "dang, how many cows did you eat?"...and to answer your question...zero cows consumed. It was just a conglomerate of several bad choices and then a negative thought process that comes with that, you know the ol' "oh well, I've already blown it by eating 'X', so I might as well enjoy some 'Y' and 'Z'".
Three weeks ago I wanted to be down 15-20 pounds at this point, 15 might not be too unrealistic, but 20 is....I wanted the 17 Day Diet to be my jump start...I wanted it to finally be the diet I stick to...I stuck to it exactly for 4.5 days...realized it was too restrictive and then started the calorie counting. The cool thing is that I can actually lose weight...it is SO neat to see the numbers go down, I have to remind myself how good that feels. The science is true...burn more calories than you eat, end of discussion....there is no magical chemical breakdown that will make you lose fat faster and keep it off, etc...its just simply BURN calories, which means get up off of your fat arse and move!
I am struggling to let go of the "timeline"....I can't tell you how many times I have counted days and months and had this conversation with myself "ok, so if I lose 'X' amount of pounds per month, by June I will only need to lose 'X' more pounds"....I think it is good to have goals...REALISTIC goals...I want to lose 100 pounds by December and that is absolutely realistic, but only if I do what I have to do to make it happen...which for me means working out at least 5 days a week, eating 1200 calories or less per day and on ONE splurge day, only 2000 calories. That is entirely realistic and that is my new goal for this week...SO many things that could be seen as road blocks are coming towards me at warp speed...Valentine's Day and going back home to Alabama this weekend for a dinner with some old high school friends (going back to Alabama is like returning to the capital of down home country cooking "hey, you wanna try frying that and see if it is good? Yep! Ok! Damn...that is good fried!")...I am determined to stay on track...do some sort of work out for 5 days (I know two of those days will be Zumba) and control my calories. Calorie counting isn't so bad...you can absolutely still eat the things you like, just not nearly as much...portion control is a pain in my butt, but it is a necessity.
I must remember that this losing weight phase is only temporary...it will never be easy, but it will get easier once I have lost the pounds and I'm maintaining.
I really can't wait for the day that I can say "I used to be fat...."
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Who needs a therapist??? I do, I do :-)
I'm learning so much about myself right now....so much more than I ever knew. To quote one of my favorite movies "Ogre's are a lot like onions, they have many layers...". Well, Shrek, so are humans!
I'm still struggling with my mind's view of food. I am positive that I don't have a healthy view point of what food means to me. Until last week I abused food pretty much every single time I ate. My mind is changing with every single bite I take. Even this past weekend when I know I didn't eat well, I was absolutely aware of it, it was not mindless eating any longer. This is the first time in my ENTIRE life that this has occurred. Every single time I've tried to lose weight before, I went off track and didn't care what my mind thought about what I was piling into my mouth. This emotion...this new decision to care about what I eat, is so new.
Another thing that has come to my attention is that I am finally beginning to be able to count on myself. In my life, my friends and family know that they can count on me, if I make a commitment to someone I will see it through, but for the longest time I couldn't count on myself. I would make a promise "tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to get healthy this year"....and the promise would be broken within 24 hours, every single time. So I had this pattern of letting myself down over and over again, which in turn chips away at my self confidence, it was literally making me believe that I couldn't do this. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel like I can count on me now.
I know that having any amount of weight to lose is a battle, but nobody on earth knows how it feels to know that you need to lose an enormous amount of weight. 100+ pounds is a big number and it is the number I stare at every single day. I know I don't need to get wrapped up in that number, but it is difficult....it is way beyond 30, 40 or 50 pounds. The amazing thing is that it is entirely doable.....but it honestly sort of pisses me off when I hear someone say, "geez, just do it, just make up your mind to do it and stop talking about it so much"....nobody has ever said this to me personally, but I'm sure some people in my life have had this thought. They have no idea. Ignorance will always stand between someone facing a huge struggle and someone who can't respect that it REALLY is a struggle.
When the journey ahead of you is to do something that few people do successfully (lose 100+ pounds for life) having support is so important. Having the support of my own mind is the most important. I promise I'm not making this more dramatic than it has to be, it is a dramatic process. That is probably one reason why it has taken me SO long to decide to do this for real. I hate drama....but at the moment, I'm having to embrace it and just go.
It feels SO good to know I can count on me. It feels SO good to know that even though I will mess up sometimes, I will get back on track and move forward towards my goal.
From this point on, I'm no longer ok with being fat...not because I want to look cute in summer clothes (ok, maybe that is some of the reason), but becuase I want to be the person that I was created to be and I know for sure that person isn't 100 pounds overweight. The fact remains that I love me and I'm doing this for me first!
I'm still struggling with my mind's view of food. I am positive that I don't have a healthy view point of what food means to me. Until last week I abused food pretty much every single time I ate. My mind is changing with every single bite I take. Even this past weekend when I know I didn't eat well, I was absolutely aware of it, it was not mindless eating any longer. This is the first time in my ENTIRE life that this has occurred. Every single time I've tried to lose weight before, I went off track and didn't care what my mind thought about what I was piling into my mouth. This emotion...this new decision to care about what I eat, is so new.
Another thing that has come to my attention is that I am finally beginning to be able to count on myself. In my life, my friends and family know that they can count on me, if I make a commitment to someone I will see it through, but for the longest time I couldn't count on myself. I would make a promise "tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to get healthy this year"....and the promise would be broken within 24 hours, every single time. So I had this pattern of letting myself down over and over again, which in turn chips away at my self confidence, it was literally making me believe that I couldn't do this. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel like I can count on me now.
I know that having any amount of weight to lose is a battle, but nobody on earth knows how it feels to know that you need to lose an enormous amount of weight. 100+ pounds is a big number and it is the number I stare at every single day. I know I don't need to get wrapped up in that number, but it is difficult....it is way beyond 30, 40 or 50 pounds. The amazing thing is that it is entirely doable.....but it honestly sort of pisses me off when I hear someone say, "geez, just do it, just make up your mind to do it and stop talking about it so much"....nobody has ever said this to me personally, but I'm sure some people in my life have had this thought. They have no idea. Ignorance will always stand between someone facing a huge struggle and someone who can't respect that it REALLY is a struggle.
When the journey ahead of you is to do something that few people do successfully (lose 100+ pounds for life) having support is so important. Having the support of my own mind is the most important. I promise I'm not making this more dramatic than it has to be, it is a dramatic process. That is probably one reason why it has taken me SO long to decide to do this for real. I hate drama....but at the moment, I'm having to embrace it and just go.
It feels SO good to know I can count on me. It feels SO good to know that even though I will mess up sometimes, I will get back on track and move forward towards my goal.
From this point on, I'm no longer ok with being fat...not because I want to look cute in summer clothes (ok, maybe that is some of the reason), but becuase I want to be the person that I was created to be and I know for sure that person isn't 100 pounds overweight. The fact remains that I love me and I'm doing this for me first!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day 1 of the new lifestyle change has come and gone. It feels good to be able to say that!
The first day of doing anything isn't usually considered fun. First day at a new job, first day at a new gym, etc....exciting yes, but with excitement comes some anxiety.
At the core of change is believing YOU can do it. I think my brain has finally come to the conclusion that I am strong enough to do whatever I want badly enough. No longer will I let my mind believe that I will be unhealthy and fat forever....that is not the person I was created to be.
After working out last night I realized how out of shape I really am. No grace and coordination at all. My muscles aren't really used to moving like I moved them last night....it felt good to just get up and MOVE.
Day 2 is in full swing....how many times have I thought about running to chik-fil-a? Twice. How many pep talks have I had with myself already? Four. How many failures have I had so far? NONE. Each day that I make the decision to do this for me and my family, it will get a little less hard....it will never be easy. That is a realization that I have to accept....food will always be an issue for me, but I control how much of an issue it is.
The skinny on fat is that fat is more than a three letter word....it is a big ball of emotion that has been deep fried in addiction.
Until next time....I'll be eating an obscene amount of fruits and veggies...working out and most importantly always praying for the strength to make this journey THE journey.
The first day of doing anything isn't usually considered fun. First day at a new job, first day at a new gym, etc....exciting yes, but with excitement comes some anxiety.
At the core of change is believing YOU can do it. I think my brain has finally come to the conclusion that I am strong enough to do whatever I want badly enough. No longer will I let my mind believe that I will be unhealthy and fat forever....that is not the person I was created to be.
After working out last night I realized how out of shape I really am. No grace and coordination at all. My muscles aren't really used to moving like I moved them last night....it felt good to just get up and MOVE.
Day 2 is in full swing....how many times have I thought about running to chik-fil-a? Twice. How many pep talks have I had with myself already? Four. How many failures have I had so far? NONE. Each day that I make the decision to do this for me and my family, it will get a little less hard....it will never be easy. That is a realization that I have to accept....food will always be an issue for me, but I control how much of an issue it is.
The skinny on fat is that fat is more than a three letter word....it is a big ball of emotion that has been deep fried in addiction.
Until next time....I'll be eating an obscene amount of fruits and veggies...working out and most importantly always praying for the strength to make this journey THE journey.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I Promise, This is NOT the Same Old Song and Dance!
Maybe it's because it is January and that is when 99% of the population goes on a diet....or maybe it's just me. Each time I start explaining The 17 Day Diet to someone, their face screams "um, yeah...sure...haven't we heard this from you before?".
The answer is yes, you have heard something like this from me before.... BUT, this is absolutely NOT the same old song and dance. I promise.
Anytime you tell someone you are starting a diet, a flood of opinions start to gush out of their mouth. I have to remember that what works for me isn't for everyone. If I need a jump start and a book to teach me step by step how to get healthy, then that is what I need. I have gone so far off course with health, I feel that I need something with structure or a meal plan to get back on course.
In three days, it will be Day 1 of the first 17 day cycle of my new lifestyle change (this particular plan has 4 cycles, if by cycle 3 you haven't lost all the weight you want to lose, you start over...phase 4 is the maintenance stage). I've made my menu plan for 7 of the days and I'm not going to lie, it is restrictive....it is all lean meats (no red meat), fruits and vegetables. The only fat I allow myself to eat is extra virgin olive oil and yogurt. It isn't going to be easy...no bread, no french fries, no burgers...but my body needs to cleanse...my body is begging for a cleanse. I can do anything for 17 days, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I know I can and will do this.
I'm going to blog about my progress, victories and mess-up's. I am excited to see how this unfolds. I'm committed to changing.
I can't imagine how good it feels to be healthy....a feeling I can't even remember because it has been so long. I am ready to welcome that feeling back with open arms!
I know for sure that I have the best support system around....I CAN do this.
The answer is yes, you have heard something like this from me before.... BUT, this is absolutely NOT the same old song and dance. I promise.
Anytime you tell someone you are starting a diet, a flood of opinions start to gush out of their mouth. I have to remember that what works for me isn't for everyone. If I need a jump start and a book to teach me step by step how to get healthy, then that is what I need. I have gone so far off course with health, I feel that I need something with structure or a meal plan to get back on course.
In three days, it will be Day 1 of the first 17 day cycle of my new lifestyle change (this particular plan has 4 cycles, if by cycle 3 you haven't lost all the weight you want to lose, you start over...phase 4 is the maintenance stage). I've made my menu plan for 7 of the days and I'm not going to lie, it is restrictive....it is all lean meats (no red meat), fruits and vegetables. The only fat I allow myself to eat is extra virgin olive oil and yogurt. It isn't going to be easy...no bread, no french fries, no burgers...but my body needs to cleanse...my body is begging for a cleanse. I can do anything for 17 days, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I know I can and will do this.
I'm going to blog about my progress, victories and mess-up's. I am excited to see how this unfolds. I'm committed to changing.
I can't imagine how good it feels to be healthy....a feeling I can't even remember because it has been so long. I am ready to welcome that feeling back with open arms!
I know for sure that I have the best support system around....I CAN do this.
Friday, September 17, 2010
What Do I Live For?
I love church sermons that make me think....especially when the sermon addresses something that has been on my mind for about 19 months. If you ever want to check out people talking about real issues and how faith can apply to your modern life, go to www.northmetro.org (home->video messages) and listen to a couple of passages from our passionate Pastors.
For a while I have struggled in my head about what I am truly living for and where all of my efforts are going?
I have never been a materialistic person. I don't live to drive the best car...my Honda is almost 10 years old, has 165k miles on it and I am absolutely fine with it. Designer labels in my clothes? Absolutely not...such a waste of money to me. I don't own one single device that would bring me to my knees if I lost it. I admit I'm a little addicted to texting, but I could absolutely live without my cell phone if I chose to.
If you could stand back and look at my life and see what I spend most of my time on, you would probably come to the conclusion that I care a lot about work. Work is where all of my time goes during the week.
Honestly, I could care less about "work". I don't mean for that to sound like I'm not thankful. I am. I am thankful that I have a job that is stable. I am thankful that I have a flexible schedule, meaning nobody is watching me if I am not sitting at my desk working by 8am. I am thankful that I don't have to work on the weekends. Bottom line, I'm thankful to be working, but my "job" is not where I gain my feeling of accomplishment, at all...here is where my struggle comes in....if I don't really gain accomplishment from my job, then why am I there for at least 40 hours a week?
Multiple answers come to mind and they are all about money, which makes me sick. #1 our mortgage has to be paid. #2 daycare has to be paid. And so on. Even if I wanted to (which I honestly do) I can't walk away from my job and focus completely on my family. Well, that isn't completely true....I could walk away....what would that mean for us? Selling our house (in a horrible market) and possibly a car. I am not brave enough to walk away because I'm comfortable. I'm starting to hate being comfortable.
What do I really want to invest my time in?
I want to invest my time in my relationship with Jesus, Robert, Emma, family and friends. I want to live to make sure that my daughter has a guide so that her soul is secure. I want to live to make sure my husband is happy. I want to spend actual quality time with my family and friends. I want to invest time in the people that I know do not know Jesus like I do.
I have no idea how to even begin living my everyday life like the above paragraph states...all I know is that I need to pray about it. It will get handled, I just have to stop struggling with it in my head.
I wonder how many other people struggle with this....do people that are "married" to their jobs realize that they are putting SO much effort into something that has a time limit? You can't take that job with you when you die. I highly doubt that I will be rewarded for being the best mortgage loan coordinator in the world while my daughter is being taken care of all day long by someone who isn't me. That opens an entirely new can of worms becuase I think it is important for Emma to be exposed to something other than our house each day. She loves her little friends at school and her teachers are amazing people. Is it possible that I can have the best of both worlds?? Can I make it work so that she has school time each week and a lot of mommy time? I have no idea.
I just think a lot of effort is put into things that don't really matter. I think my life would be absolutely perfect if I was able to live like I described in the paragraph above. Will my life ever get there, probably not. I don't think humans are meant for perfection on earth....I can strive for it, but more than likely will never get there.
It sort of irks me when people say "ah, my life is perfect"....no it isn't, c'mon! I guess everyone's idea of perfect is different....mine has nothing to do with money, job titles, vacations, etc....its all about filling my spiritual cup and the cup of those around me.
These are just the things I think about a lot. I am sure many other women feel the same way. I honestly believe that once you know better, you do better....even if doing better takes time.
Maybe the next blog post won't be so darn deep....I can only go to the deep realms of my mind so many times each week....it's a scary place in there!!
HJA :-)
For a while I have struggled in my head about what I am truly living for and where all of my efforts are going?
I have never been a materialistic person. I don't live to drive the best car...my Honda is almost 10 years old, has 165k miles on it and I am absolutely fine with it. Designer labels in my clothes? Absolutely not...such a waste of money to me. I don't own one single device that would bring me to my knees if I lost it. I admit I'm a little addicted to texting, but I could absolutely live without my cell phone if I chose to.
If you could stand back and look at my life and see what I spend most of my time on, you would probably come to the conclusion that I care a lot about work. Work is where all of my time goes during the week.
Honestly, I could care less about "work". I don't mean for that to sound like I'm not thankful. I am. I am thankful that I have a job that is stable. I am thankful that I have a flexible schedule, meaning nobody is watching me if I am not sitting at my desk working by 8am. I am thankful that I don't have to work on the weekends. Bottom line, I'm thankful to be working, but my "job" is not where I gain my feeling of accomplishment, at all...here is where my struggle comes in....if I don't really gain accomplishment from my job, then why am I there for at least 40 hours a week?
Multiple answers come to mind and they are all about money, which makes me sick. #1 our mortgage has to be paid. #2 daycare has to be paid. And so on. Even if I wanted to (which I honestly do) I can't walk away from my job and focus completely on my family. Well, that isn't completely true....I could walk away....what would that mean for us? Selling our house (in a horrible market) and possibly a car. I am not brave enough to walk away because I'm comfortable. I'm starting to hate being comfortable.
What do I really want to invest my time in?
I want to invest my time in my relationship with Jesus, Robert, Emma, family and friends. I want to live to make sure that my daughter has a guide so that her soul is secure. I want to live to make sure my husband is happy. I want to spend actual quality time with my family and friends. I want to invest time in the people that I know do not know Jesus like I do.
I have no idea how to even begin living my everyday life like the above paragraph states...all I know is that I need to pray about it. It will get handled, I just have to stop struggling with it in my head.
I wonder how many other people struggle with this....do people that are "married" to their jobs realize that they are putting SO much effort into something that has a time limit? You can't take that job with you when you die. I highly doubt that I will be rewarded for being the best mortgage loan coordinator in the world while my daughter is being taken care of all day long by someone who isn't me. That opens an entirely new can of worms becuase I think it is important for Emma to be exposed to something other than our house each day. She loves her little friends at school and her teachers are amazing people. Is it possible that I can have the best of both worlds?? Can I make it work so that she has school time each week and a lot of mommy time? I have no idea.
I just think a lot of effort is put into things that don't really matter. I think my life would be absolutely perfect if I was able to live like I described in the paragraph above. Will my life ever get there, probably not. I don't think humans are meant for perfection on earth....I can strive for it, but more than likely will never get there.
It sort of irks me when people say "ah, my life is perfect"....no it isn't, c'mon! I guess everyone's idea of perfect is different....mine has nothing to do with money, job titles, vacations, etc....its all about filling my spiritual cup and the cup of those around me.
These are just the things I think about a lot. I am sure many other women feel the same way. I honestly believe that once you know better, you do better....even if doing better takes time.
Maybe the next blog post won't be so darn deep....I can only go to the deep realms of my mind so many times each week....it's a scary place in there!!
HJA :-)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Life=A Journey....Didn't You Learn This in School?
Life is funny....to me it is just multiple situations and opportunities that we have to make a difference in the life of another person. I haven't always felt this way. Life used to be about me, after all, it is my life, right?
Wrong.
I think I know why my opinion on what my life is about has changed....is it because I'm getting older? Maybe. Is it because I am now a wife and mother? Maybe. Is it because I am realizing that the happiness of the people around me is more important to me than my own? Possibly.
I don't know if this thought has an actual theory based on it or not....who cares about theories....I know it to be factual because I've lived it. If you take yourself out of the equation....forget about your immediate happiness....forget about "me" for a minute, life changes. The life change happens when you begin to nourish your personal relationships. Not just your relationship with your husband or wife, but your relationship with your parents, your friends, your children. I have found that when you love these people unconditionally and without fear, the love comes back full circle and nourishes you. Yes, I'm talking to you. This is not a joke. It is called being selfless. It is the most amazing feeling.
It sounds contradictory, but I promise it works. Think less about yourself and you become happier. It is simple. Try it.
People need YOU....you might not know it, but it is true. People all around you need your love, your friendship and your selfless giving.
I truly believe that the world would be a better place if people really put the good ol' Golden Rule to use. People wouldn't steal because they wouldn't want to be stolen from. People would not abuse others because they wouldn't want to be abused....and so on. I know that the idea of a universe "group hug" isn't likely, but it would be cool. I know there is a place like this and I'm excited to know that I will be there one day.
Wrong.
I think I know why my opinion on what my life is about has changed....is it because I'm getting older? Maybe. Is it because I am now a wife and mother? Maybe. Is it because I am realizing that the happiness of the people around me is more important to me than my own? Possibly.
I don't know if this thought has an actual theory based on it or not....who cares about theories....I know it to be factual because I've lived it. If you take yourself out of the equation....forget about your immediate happiness....forget about "me" for a minute, life changes. The life change happens when you begin to nourish your personal relationships. Not just your relationship with your husband or wife, but your relationship with your parents, your friends, your children. I have found that when you love these people unconditionally and without fear, the love comes back full circle and nourishes you. Yes, I'm talking to you. This is not a joke. It is called being selfless. It is the most amazing feeling.
It sounds contradictory, but I promise it works. Think less about yourself and you become happier. It is simple. Try it.
People need YOU....you might not know it, but it is true. People all around you need your love, your friendship and your selfless giving.
I truly believe that the world would be a better place if people really put the good ol' Golden Rule to use. People wouldn't steal because they wouldn't want to be stolen from. People would not abuse others because they wouldn't want to be abused....and so on. I know that the idea of a universe "group hug" isn't likely, but it would be cool. I know there is a place like this and I'm excited to know that I will be there one day.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)