Hi, Self. Nice to Meet You.

Have you ever had those times in life where something happens, you react to it and it is like you are puzzled at your reaction...like, "wait a minute, I'm cooler than that...or...I'm more faithful than that"?

Yep.  Pretty much describes the last few months of my life. 

I have always loved one particular trait about myself.  My ability to let change come in without fear.  I love change, bring it on....it means I'm growing, things are moving....change is good....change is inevitable.  What my brain forgot to tell my heart was that I was in love with positive change.  I am learning to fall in love with change that is not necessarily desirable.  I'm not there yet.  Un-desirable change and I aren't even friends right now, so I am FAR away from loving it and welcoming it, but I am working on it daily with God.  Pretty sure neither one of us knew how stubborn I could be.  Well, He knows....but you know what I mean. 

A daily reminder that my way is not better...my way is not really easier...my way gets me nowhere faster.  Simply because my view is just so limited....I see what could be easier or better in a moment, but God knows what is best for eternity.  Talk about making an already heavy situation even more weighty when you apply an eternal aspect to every single moment, but that weight does lift when you really allow it to all sink in.  Allowing the truth that God is working everything out in His time and it will be beautiful....it is beautiful.  I am making a promise to myself to see the beauty in every single day....to make sure I see the positive blessings that abound...and to handle the moments that are hard with as much grace and love as I can rally.  For me, the only way to do that is to walk really closely with God...talk to him often and intently. 

I am completely at peace with the last few months changing me, but I never want to lose my fearless spirit.  Fear and negativity kill my spirit quicker than any other human trait.  I refuse to let that fade. 

Life is so incredibly fragile and beautiful.  Finding the beauty in all things really is the only time I am at rest.  You have to take it moment by moment, day by day.  Be at rest, see the beauty and experience what God has put before you.  The task at hand is no accident, it is shaping your soul for eternity. 

Life's First Aid Kit.

Life.  Something we live every single day.  People say it is hard....or good....or beautiful, but what do we do when life throws a curve ball?  An unexpected jolt that lands you in a place that looks like a spiritual desert.  Usually, you would turn to those people in your life that lift you up, those people who speak God's promises to you.....the ones that have ALWAYS been there.

What if that life jolt has made that person, your "go to" up-lifter, silent?  Literally silent.  A twist in the plot that nobody expected.

With my mom's current situation, I think that is my hardest struggle.  She is silent.  She was once so loud.  Not necessarily volume loud, but in my life, faithfully speaking, she was so loud.  Almost every conversation we had was about our faith.  The beauty of it....the majesty of it.  Then, abruptly, totally silent....a mumble here and there, but the conversations are gone, for now.

So....I found myself squirming.  This doesn't feel normal.  This isn't natural.  It looks as though as me and my "person" are switching positions.  Am I ready?  Am I ready to speak uplifting words in a situation that on so many levels looks wretched?

In the last (almost) five months I have learned a lot about me.  I am strong.  I may have a tender heart, but that heart has a core of steel.  One rooted in the most beautiful promises.  Everyone copes with life differently, but I have learned that my go-to spot is one of peace.  I can't live in crisis mode and live effectively.....worry literally makes me feel dirty...it is just true....my hope and worry can't live in the same space.  So, worry might make an appearance, but it doesn't stay for long.  The hope I have shines brighter than any worry I have ever encountered.

My best tools, my first aid kit for life, are the promises that God has given me through the one that is now silent.  Along with my dad, she is the one that has loved me the longest.  They have prayed for me without fail for 35 years.  It is my turn to lift them up.  Remind them of the One that loves them so much. 

What a journey.  One that will leave my family changed forever.  There is true beauty in embracing the assignment and peacefully allowing God to do His work.  Peacefully.  Peace.  Never, ever, lose it,  because if you have lost peace......you have truly lost.  A victorious outcome is what is on the horizon.  What that looks like, I have no idea....but I know it will be triumphant.  God's peace and love always win.  Always. 

How To Lose Yourself.

Calm down, first of all.  This isn't a post about how I have lost ground and am in a downward spiral.  It is actually the exact opposite.

Also, if you read this blog you will soon find out that most of my posts are almost always about my walk with God.  It is who I am.  It is who I was created to be.....and for me, I need to tell people about it. 

In this life things happen.  Good things.....the most amazing things.  Experiences that bring so much joy, even in the day-to-day.  Celebrate those things.  Thank God for them, they are from Him. 

In this life, bad things also happen.  Experiences that bring heartache.  Experiences that bring turmoil.  Celebrate those things.  Thank God for them.  They are shaping you into the person you were meant to be. 

When you can celebrate and thank God in all things, truly, you have lost yourself.  I am learning that this is not at all what the world would have you believe.  The world we live in, the things we see on tv or the internet would have you believe that everything you need is in you.  You have all you need to be all you can be.  It is a lie and this lie has huge circumstances.  That is a bold statement.  Believe it or not, but the truth will always prevail. 

When you are truly tested, when you are faced with life, death, hurt, deception, betrayal, etc......do any of you honestly believe you alone posses what you need to conquer it?  It is a deep question.  One that I know people struggle with.  We are told when we were young "you can do anything you set your mind to"...."work hard and it will be yours".....this stuff is false and is grounded in a belief that our human minds and hearts are capable of anything, just us, no other factor.....just the human factor. 

The human factor is flawed.  I am a lover of humans, I really am, but more than that, I am a lover of the One who created us.  I love humans because we are all so flawed....we are in this together.  No matter your faith, race, etc....I love you.  I don't see people through a filter of what they "do".  I see people through the filter of who made them.  Everyone has this choice.....to see people as their brother/sister.  A choice I made sometime in my 20's.....I have no idea when it really happened.  All I know is that we all struggle and I have made struggles without faith and I have made struggles with faith.  It is blatantly obvious where my heart is, but I also realize not everyone is with me.  Do I want to change the world?  Yes.  Do I think I can do it alone?  No.  I know that loving one human at a time is all I can do.  It is what God has put on my heart.  He doesn't want me to change the world, I don't think (if He does, I think I am ready, but there is a lot of equipping that needs to happen first...I guess....or maybe I am already equipped in Him).  I believe He wants me to love people how He loves them.  No matter what.  If you have ever questioned whether or not you are loved, you don't have to question it any longer.  Not because I say so.  I have no power.  God says so.  You are loved.  No matter your circumstance, no matter how far you think you are from Him, no.matter.what. 

You have to let that sink in.  The world will tell you what you are doing is "right" or what you are doing is "wrong".  The world is not your heart's compass.  Your creator is your compass, He will never lead you astray.

Peace and perfection do not go hand in hand.  I am not perfect, but I am peaceful.  Allow yourself that gift....to be peaceful and know you are loved. 

How Much Can The Heart Really Take?

This one is deep....but let's be honest, we knew I was going to go there.

As it turns out, the heart is made to take more than our human brains can comprehend.  You know the Bible verse "...lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5?  It happens to be true.  Just like every verse before it and every verse after it.

There are certain moments in life that really put this truth right in front of you.  Not just something you recite, but something you live.  After all, isn't that what someone who professes to believe in God is supposed to do....live by these truths?

Several times over the last 4+ months since my mom was diagnosed with a ridiculously large brain tumor, this truth is the one that held me together.  When your world is completely interrupted, completely turned upside down....what will your response be?  I wish my response from day 1 would've been "I know this is your journey for my mom, God, your Will, your Way.....You have the best for her in store".  Honestly, it wasn't.  It is now and spiritually I am changed.  I'll never be the same.  Neither will she.  Just yesterday she just told me, "I have no fear".  This woman.....who had a tumor the size of a huge fist in her head removed, survived cardiac arrest and a raging infection in her brain told me, the girl that was still in tact, there is nothing to fear.  This woman, who is still not home, since April 2nd she has been in some sort of hospital.  Now she is in a facility that has a range of patients.  From those that will live there forever to those, like her, that are there for rehabilitation purposes.  When I think of how my life has changed, I quickly remind myself of her and my dad.  She lives a simple existence now.....completely void of every single daily activity that she has known for her entire life.  My dad, living alone for the first time in 50 years, waiting on his bride to come home.  My struggles are nothing.  Well, they are something to me and my little family, but in the grand scheme, I'm not the one actually fighting this battle.

That is where the truth lies.  God has the ability to turn something completely wretched into something of complete beauty.  There comes a point, during the crisis, that you have to realize that you, the human, can only do so much.  Your job in the crisis isn't to fix things, the battle is being fought by the One that loves you more than you can comprehend.  You either believe that or you don't.  There is no in between.  Your reaction to that truth will determine how you weather the storm.  You can choose to receive the Peace that is so readily available or you can completely crumble because your efforts seem to fail at every turn.  Believe me, your efforts will eventually fail.  I quickly learned that the only thing I could do for my mom and dad was to pray for them and walk with them.  This "walking alongside people in life" is a really big deal.  If you love someone and they are struggling, your presence and prayer is of more worth than you can imagine....it is of eternal magnitude.  I honestly believe that God has equipped my mom, dad, sisters and every person in our immediate family with every single thing we need to make it through whatever is put in front of us.  There is so much power in that.  In that truth there is no room for worry about the happenings of today.

My relationship with God is complex, at best.  It is the sweetest thing in my world.  Sometimes it is like I hear Him saying "what do you have to worry about, you loon?!".....the Sovereign Creator of the Universe probably wouldn't use those words, but the brain He gave me is one that puts everything in a situation where humor and sarcasm are tools.  I'm almost sure He is funny.

What is your point, you may be asking?  Never lose your peace.  Even when your world seems to be in turmoil.  Don't deny yourself that free gift.  It is simply one prayer away.  One simple acceptance.  You don't have anything to lose by accepting God's peace, but you have everything to gain....this works against everything that your human mind will tell you is right.  That is when you know you are on the right path, when what the world tells you just doesn't seem comfortable.

You Gotta Start Somewhere.

Many people may not know this about me, but I want to be a writer. Not just someone who writes sweet notes in Hallmark cards for a friends birthday, or writes a great English paper....a real writer. I want to write a book. I want to have my words published. My husband and I have even joked about me writing a comic strip and him illustrating it. You might not know this about him, but he really is a talented artist. I even have two comic strip ideas swirling in my head right at this moment...it isn't doing much good in there. So, my point...I have always heard "if you really want to be a writer, just start writing....every single day....write something". Oh yeah, and read more books. That has never been my strong suit either, but that is changing. So, that is what I am going to do. Whether here on this blog or on paper....I am going to write (and read more books, I swear). Until I get better or shall I say, more interesting material, I will probably write about myself...my family...my friends...just life. It has the potential to be less riveting than a Stephen King novel, but bear with me. It will get better with time...I hope.

My grandfather, J.C. Jinks, was a published writer and amazing artist. You won't find his work online, he wrote WAY before the internet was around. He wrote several short stories, which happen to be my favorite. Papaw passed away in 1996, I was 17 years old. I honestly feel the spark in my heart to write was flamed by my time with him. Great memories. I wish I would've been mature enough to really talk to him about his writing and get advice from one of the smartest men I have ever known. It's cool that I will see him in Heaven, I can't wait.

There is also the ironic issue that even though I love writing, I am no English scholar. I like to use these things (.....) all throughout my writing. A real editor would rip me apart. I am 100% positive that I abuse the comma and semicolon's give me nightmares. In every English class I have ever taken, I loved, seriously loved, writing papers....but would have a small panic attack if asked to conjugate a verb or explain subject-verb agreement. So, yeah, I have some room to grow in this dream of becoming a published writer. All I know is that it will happen in some capacity....how that will happen is really not my concern, it's God's, I just have to write.

So, here I am, writing.

My first inclination is to write about current happenings. With that, I have a lot to write about. I can't get it all out in one blog. I have to save some for tomorrow. Although, getting it all out in one blog is totally my style. I can get wordy. That is actually something about myself that is changing. I have learned in my 35 years...there are only a few people in your every day life that can handle the details. This isn't a bad thing, it is just the way some people are. There are some people who truly don't have the capacity to hear the details. Finding people that can walk with you in daily life is rare. I am not sure what that trait is called, that ability or "want" to walk through stuff with people. Whatever it is, I have it. And when I have a friend or family member who shows me that kind of attention and care, I am in awe of them and I want to do the same.   I love to communicate.  LOVE to talk to people and hear what other people have to say.  I honestly have a true love for humans, even though I find them so odd.  All the different personalities.  It is fascinating, really. 

What I know for sure is that we can't walk through life alone.  It is too hard.  Life is so beautiful, but sometimes it is intense....actually, a lot of the time it is intense.  Faith, family and friends are the only way through.  I feel like I am growing up spiritually, even though I am 35 years old.  I am trying to find "my people".  My circle of people to walk through life with.  I know some will come and go out of that circle, but that core group that will stay with you forever.  Cultivating that is such a sweet exchange.  Love people.  Just love.

A Rut....A Trench....A Pothole....Whatever You Want To Call It.

I have been in a rut the size of the Grand Canyon.

It has been almost 4 months since I have posted a blog entry and almost three months since I did my 5k in Alabama. I honestly haven't truly worked out once since my 5k. It is almost like I had this goal to do it and finish it and then I met that goal and just stopped.

I am sure "ruts" are a common occurrence when you are trying to lose quite a bit of weight, but even though it might be common, it is still annoying as hell.

It is hard not to focus on how much weight I "could've" lost in the past three months....I am trying REALLY hard not to focus completely on that, but I'm trying to make that motivate me to get going again. The passion to do this is still inside of me....excuses, laziness and fear are just holding it back.

Last week we went on vacation and it was glorious. So glorious that I gained 7 pounds. Eating a lot of crap and not exercising will do that to you. I wouldn't take that week back for anything, we had a great time, but now I have a weee bit more work to do than I did a week ago.

I swear I have visions of healthy Heather and fat Heather having conversations....I never really know what they are saying to each other, I am all consumed by what healthy Heather looks like and in the back of my mind there is always this stupid voice (that I honestly think is the devil) saying "you will never look like that, you know you won't, so stop trying". I am no longer going to give that voice a life...I know I can, I know I can....I'm done with "thinking" I can. :-)

You are what you eat....

The eating portion of the "diet and exercise" is absolutely the hardest....I'm trying to remember if I have done a blog update and said the exact opposite, that exercise was the hardest...hehehe...I don't think I have, but it depends on the week.

Ok, they are both hard....but I'm addicted to food...so the food part is the hardest for me, by far.

I have been researching common foods that I used to eat and I'm going to be honest with you...it is abslutely depressing that the food available to us at restaurants and fast food chains is so horrible. Not ALL food is horrible if you are eating out, but I will venture to say that 90% of it is, unless that restaurant has a "light" menu. McDonald's has even managed to screw up oatmeal, one of the healthiest things on the planet. Their new fruit and maple oatmeal has as much sugar as a Snickers bar...seriously, I'm not joking. Only 10 calories less than a McD's cheeseburger. You may be asking "what in the heck did they do to the oatmeal to make it unusually unhealthy?".....they add tons of brown sugar and cream. A serving of Quaker brown sugar and maple oatmeal is 160 calories...as opposed to 290 in McDonald's new offer. Don't get me wrong, I still love a quarter pounder with cheese more than just about anything, but something is going on in my head and my brain will not allow me to eat like that any longer....not to say I won't ever eat one again, I am sure I will, but I used to have them WEEKLY. I honestly don't know how I'm not more fat than I am.

A lot of people get ticked at the fast food industry...saying they are "tricking" us into thinking we are eating healthier. That is complete BS. We should know what we are eating...nutritional information is a click away for any restaurant on the planet...it is our responsibility to know. In a way it does sort of tick me off that the grilled ceasar wrap at Chik-Fil-A has more calories than their classic Chicken sandwich...it makes no sense...well, it does make sense, its all about the dressing, but still...in most minds a thin wrap filled with lettuce and grilled chicken can't possibly have more calories than a fried chicken sandwhich....well, yes it does.

I still have moments where I get absolutely pissed about food. Last Friday as I was driving home to Alabama I had one of these moments. When we travel to my parent's house it used to be our "tradition" to stop by McDonald's and get food on the road....and sometimes after the nearly three hour trip, we'd eat again when we got to my mom's house...I know, sick. Anyway...before I even got out of our subdivision I was already thinking of McDonald's....already having the conversation with myself..."maybe I will stop and just get a small cheeseburger and maybe some fries...just this one last time"....it took every single amount of strength I had to pass by that McDonald's, not only one of them, but the three of them that are on our route to I-20. I was literally pissed...I was pissed because I could remember the exact taste of the food and I missed it. This was a huge victory for me. I arrived at my parent's house where my mom had prepared baked BBQ chicken and vegetables. I was satisfied and soon enough the frustration over the quarter pounder of cheese that never was, faded.

I have said it before and I have to say it again...this entire thinking process about food is so foreign to me...it is SO weird to me to not immediately just run to the nearest fast food place for lunch, even when I forgot my stuff at home...now my initial reaction is to find the nearest Subway or grocery store. Last week I was working in Cumming, GA and this small Mayberry type of town didn't have a Subway...I drove for miles looking for a grocery store, finally found an Ingles and found a healthy lunch. I know I am making these decisions each day, but it is almost like my mind changed over night.

I have been waiting on my mind to change for so long....prayed endlessly for the strength to think differently and it has finally happened. There are SO many emotions wrapped up into this, but I'm working through all of them as they come...it literally excites me sometimes when I think about the idea that this is
my year....I know it is....it scares the crap out of me becuase I was obviously comfortable being fat, but I'm getting out of my comfort zone and literally stepping into a new body with each pound I lose. It will take all of 2011 and maybe even some of 2012 to reach my final goal, but I'm on my way.

:-)